Today was a good day we went to church this morning to see our nephew get dedicated to the church and then after were lucky enough to have the pastor and a bunch of people pray over Harlow. It is AMAZING to see how many lives Harlow has already touched in such a short amount of time. She's already making her mark on this world. Todays message was straight up made for me its crazy how god can do that. It was about anxiety my BIGGEST issue. Something I've been dealing with my entire life it just got worse when all this happened. It brought me back to when we went in for our 20 week scan before we knew anything was wrong with Harlow. I remember thinking in my head when they were so carefree about it "no news is good news" they told us if there was anything that they saw they would contact us with in 3 days. If we didn't hear from them we were in the clear. Well if anyone knows me or bobby we've been known to pull the short stick on pretty much anything in life everything for us always came with something we have had to fight thru to get it. I hoped and prayed that Harlow wouldn't get that as well. As we all know by now... We got "that" phone call. Up until that point tho I hadn't had a ounce of anxiety it was a very calm beginning of pregnancy except the flu that I got the day after I found out i was prego but that wasn't a surprise ether lol. Once I got that phone call tho the tone was set for the rest of the pregnancy. What was worse is they couldn't get us in to see the Drs and specialist until a week later so for a week I was a mess trying to get thru the days wishing I could fast forward them. Once we actually got in to see the Drs. they had told us everything no parent let alone first time parent let alone pregnant parent wants to hear they talked to us about how she could come out paralyzed if she even made it thru the pregnancy and that she would need help the rest of her life and so on. Problem with all that now is they weren't even right about her diagnosis. So what if I had given in to them and aborted her all 7 times they asked us? I understand in special circumstances abortion is what may need to be done and I'm 100% for woman choice but this wasn't a choice we had been trying to get pregnant for 3 and a half years so magically we get pregnant and now I'm supposed to say " naw she's not perfect lets start over" yea no thanks ill take her just the way she is. Whats worse is how easy it was for people to ask if we wanted to do it like it was giving blood. Thats when my anxiety really settled in to its old stomping grounds between realizing that it was a uphill battle from this point further for the rest of our lives and all the test they had to run to find out what exactly is going on. Again they only had part of the puzzle solved ohhhh what I would give for it to just be a little fluid on the brain now. I feel like life's constantly throwing stuff at me and bobby trying to get us to fall down and give up and there has been countless times each of us has wanted to give up when the other is still fighting. I lost all faith in god when my dad died I didn't understand how life was made the way it was and how someone could willingly set it up so people had to feel that pain not to mention my best friends mom had died from cancer 2 months prior to my dad. What kind of sick joke was that? What kind of higher power would set it up to work that way? But now, not that I'm ok with my dads passing hell I haven't even began to handle that I've put that in a box in the back of my head and buried it deeeeeep down. I should probably take a look at it sometime soon I'm sure that isn't healthy. But what I'm getting at is there is so much good that has happened to us its hard when you just focus on the bad things when I have this amazing little human now. Heck she may have problems but then again who doesn't? Don't applaud my strength tho as much as I'm grateful to hear people supporting me and bobby and how strong we have been I have more bad days then good I have less clarity then being able to understand the full extent of what is going on. I was able to regain faith thru my daughter. When we die I don't believe were just bodies in the ground and I don't believe thats it for us so regardless what you believe in I chose to believe that my dad is in heaven right now going off roading on the clouds drinking a beer looking down at us saying you got this. That to me is a hell of a lot better of a thought If you ask me. Tomorrow is the day... The day we meet the LA neurologist and holy crap am I nervous. That word doesn't even hit the full extent of how I feel and I'm not even going to be In the meeting. Bobby my mom and his mom will be meeting with the Dr. Ill be in the hall way pacing back and forth wishing I was anywhere else at the time. Its not fair that I can't handle the Dr. portion of all this right now esp cus thats not fair to bobby to have to take it all on. Tho he's amazing and understands and is able to be strong for the both of us. How did I get so lucky? He's still going to have to tell me what the dr says and tho I may not like it bobby has better bed side manner and is able to tell me things so I don't have a full blown mental break down. But it can't be easy for a husband to have to be that delicate to his wife as well as holding it together for his daughter. Lord please give him the strength tomorrow not me. Although bobby thrives under pressure he may not see it but he's just like his daughter tell him he can't do something and he's gunna prove u wrong ten times over just to make his point. I told him the other day I think I got given him for a reason and he got given Harlow for a reason he has changed like no one would believe he's a whole different person from who he used to be. As for me he's given me a back bone he's made me stronger in ways I never thought I could and he's also shown me how to not care so much and stop overthinking things that arnt in my control don't get me wrong I still over think but no where near how bad I was.