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I know in the passed I've talked about my "ah ha" moment and no it hasn't happened yet trust me I'll be singing from the top of the mountains when I do but lately I have been so scared of life I mean when things happen to you when life gets real it gets scary when I lost my dad I thought there is nothing comparable to this the feeling of loss, the heart ach, the pain, the never ending hurt.. if you haven't lost a loved one let alone a parent I hope you don't have any idea what I'm talking about because it's a sicking feeling truly.. but I've said it before, I went thru it to make my self stronger for something bigger .. well here it is.. Harlow.. you know when you say something over and over and it has no meaning anymore? I'm fine has become that for me but I do mean it I'm fine because there's nothing I can do in my life right now as it is, there is nothing I can change, nothing I can fix, nothing I can move, nothing.. so when I say I'm fine yea I mean it but that's also because I have no tears left in me it's true I'm all out! there is moments when I know I should be on the floor balling but yet I'm still standing still wondering how the hell am I still standing? I wish I could say it was to show Harlow what strength is but she doesn't need to learn that from me I learn that from her .. I just want peace .. simple.. I want peace I want happiness I mean doesn't everyone? I don't care that Harlow has lis.. I did..I was pretty pissed off and at times it's like a nagging feeling that doesn't wanna go away but I don't believe that's going to stop her cus I have faith in her so whatever call it what you want she's gunna show me what she can do the end. I'll give her every tool she needs .. but what I'm upset about lately is the bullshit in between the heartache we go thru with her and her "diagnosis" the acid reflux the "backed up" issue, the seizures all the things that will not go away so that she has a fair chance.. to me when I was pregnant people asked what it's like I would say "put your kid in a glass box .. now see them in pain.. now pull up a chair and watch.." that's the truth when you feel so helpless what do you do? Pray? Yes but what do you do... nothing there is nothing you can do and that is why I am upset now days.. she's already got the odds stacked against her so how is this fair? The other night she was crying at 2 am which led to 3 then 4 then 5 just non stop and she would look up at me with this boo boo face like "mom please make it stop" do you have any idea what kind of gut wrenching feeling that is ? There is NO comparison ... I pulled her in close and began to pray and half way thru I stopped and paused and said ... " where the hell are you" I leaned back in the chair and continued to rock her and let her cry because there was nothing more I could do... this is what it's like to have ur faith punched and kicked and beat to hell .. this morning at 3 am I was rocking Harlow in the chair in her room and bobby was sitting with me while she cried and we both exhausted and beaten down by this entire situation I told him .. " you know how many times I've prayed in this chair?" He goes " I'm guessing every night and day" I said " all but today..." he knew I was angry he knew I have had enough they say god only gives you what you can handle which I don't really know how that's measured I mean you get thru it because you have to you don't have a choice so it's not only what you can handle it's more what you can live thru.. I dunno lately I've been so scared to live so scared to make changes or decisions because nothing seems to work right anymore I won't ever give up but man am I tired of being beat to the ground...